ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Sources report local second-grader Max Holbrook drifted off for a few seconds in school last week during class and was immediately prescribed Adderall to keep him on track.

"I can't do my job unless all 40 kids in my class are completely zonked out and sitting there like well-behaved zombies," Max's teacher Mrs. Black told reporters. "Max shows obvious signs of ADHD, like not staring straight ahead at the board with glazed-yet-attentive eyes when I'm teaching, asking to get a drink of water, sometimes up to twice a day, and occasionally even squirming around in his seat."

"If a boy can't sit in his seat for 8 hours and listen to me drone on about whatever, there's something clearly wrong with him."

Max's mom Rachel says she's not opposed to having him evaluated for ADHD but wonders if starting her 8-year-old on addictive amphetamines is the right way to tackle the problem.

"When I asked the pediatrician if maybe Max just needed a little more exercise during the day and a little less screen time, he laughed at me and handed me a prescription," Rachel said. "I don't know, I feel like we should try some other options first before going straight for a Schedule II narcotic."

As of publishing time, Mrs. Black also recommended Max be tested for Oppositional Defiant Disorder after he refused to take his pills.

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