BATTLE CREEK, MI—Kellogg's has long offered family size cereal boxes, but it's kicking things up a notch with the company's new "Homeschool Family Size."
"You can feed like a dozen kids for three or four days with these bad boys," said a Kellogg's spokesperson. "Previously, homeschool families were forced to buy seventeen of our family size boxes just to keep pace with their 12 or 13 kids' appetites. But no longer---now you can feed the family effectively, even on a budget."
The cereals will have cool prizes inside like Latin textbooks, Chronicles of Narnia action figures, and floor-length dresses. If you collect 50 box tops from select flavors of Homeschool Family Size cereals, you can even mail them in to redeem your very own 40-passenger van from Ford, "The Homeschooler," which the car manufacturer introduced in 2017.
When you buy at least three boxes, Kellogg's will even send a rep out to carry them into your home on an industrial forklift.
If the brand is successful, market analysts expect Homeschool Family Size to catch on quickly, with variations on the idea popping up in Goldfish, Cheez-Its, and Chips Ahoy within the next six months.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.