U.S. — After initially denying having anything to do with the border crisis, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted today that she may not be remembering correctly as she's been really drunk the past four years straight, and it's all a bit of a fog.

"Honestly, I've been so wasted -- who knows what I did the past four years," said Harris, dumping another Tito's shooter into her tumbler. "Border czar?? Whatever you say, man."

According to sources, Harris reflexively denied all responsibility for the border catastrophe as she had no memory of having ever visited the border. "I figured if I was responsible for the border I would have gone, like, once," said Harris adding a wine cooler to her tumbler. "I guess I've been so blackout drunk for the past four years, I just don't remember. Geez, it looks like it was pretty bad, huh?"

With Biden stepping aside, the Vice President's team has been reportedly explaining to her all of the jobs she did during the past administration while she was plastered. "Yes, you really did go to Europe to try to keep Ukraine from being invaded. No, it didn't turn out well," explained aide Regina Callahan. "Do you remember talking about yellow school buses? How about outer space? Oh man, we have a lot to cover."

At publishing time, Kamala had furiously argued that if she had twice been a presidential candidate, surely one person in the nation had voted for her - before again confessing that she's been heavily inebriated the past decade and it's possible she could be slightly off.

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