NEW YORK, NY — With his note to the real-life Jets falling on deaf ears, Colin Kaepernick decided today to use his likeness to make himself the Jets quarterback in Madden 24.
"You'll see! You'll all see!" shouted Mr. Kaepernick as he turned his character's arm strength up to 99. "Look how good I am! Ha! They'll all be sorry!"
Mr. Kaepernick had tried to score a job on the Jets practice squad by sending a personal letter and a video of himself throwing socks towards the laundry bin. "Blue 42 - set, hut!" yelled Kaepernick as he backed up into his kitchen, avoided the fridge, and hurled a pair of socks towards the laundry room. "THERE AREN'T LIGHT FIXTURES ON THE FIELD!" shouted Kaepernick, as the kitchen light fixture swatted down his pass. "Delete that one. Okay, take seventy-three!"
After not hearing back from the Jets, Mr. Kaepernick decided to take destiny into his own hands by making himself a Jets quarterback in Madden. "Look who's QB1 now? How does that taste, Aaron Rodgers?" said Kaepernick as his avatar jogged out for the first play. "Hey, that pass was perfect! How'd it get intercepted? Dang white supremacists and their stupid video games."
At publishing time, the real-life Jets had decided to opt for Aaron Rodgers playing in a wheelchair over Colin Kaepernick.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
