NEW YORK, NY — Public sentiment was deeply divided on the subject of former President Donald Trump's criminal trial after the presiding judge announced Trump would not be permitted to go to his son's graduation or to the bathroom until the trial was finished.
The unorthodox decree to refuse Trump's right to use the men's room at any point over the next several months was met with both praise and criticism from different corners of the media, with Trump vowing to meet the requirement despite his disagreement with it.
"I accept the challenge from this corrupt judge!" Trump posted to his Truth Social account. "He thinks he can defeat me by refusing to allow me to go to the bathroom, but I will not lose. I will avoid going to the bathroom and spend the next several months doing the pee-pee dance to get the justice I deserve. Believe me, I do a great pee-pee dance. The best pee-pee dance. Many have said so. It will be amazing. I will make history, folks, believe me."
After Judge Juan Merchan ordered bailiffs to bar Trump's access to any restroom facilities at the courthouse and made a decree to have Trump's movements and whereabouts monitored at all times to prevent him from relieving himself for the duration of the trial, Trump remained defiant.
"Just wait until this sham of a trial is over," Trump said. "The American people will not only see that I am innocent of these charges but they will also see the longest, most glorious urination of all time."
At publishing time, Judge Merchan was reportedly weighing an additional order to force Trump to continually drink Diet Coke during court proceedings.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
