GREENBELT, MD — A former Trump administration National Security Advisor's legal defense faced an uphill battle, as news broke that John Bolton's mustache had agreed to testify against him in exchange for immunity.
The mustache made a brief appearance to answer questions from the media shortly after Bolton surrendered to federal authorities following his indictment on 18 counts of mishandling classified information.
"I had no part in this, but I will tell everything I know," the mustache said. "You wouldn't believe the stuff this guy's had his hand in. Espionage. Disseminating top-secret government intel. Working behind the scenes to undermine the presidential administration. It's been pretty nefarious, and I've had a front-row seat to all of it. I know names, dates… everything. But I'll only go on record if I'm promised full immunity. I'm not made for prison."
Bolton released a statement shortly thereafter, condemning the accusations made by his mustache. "This is indeed a sad day," he said. "Not only is my own country weaponizing the Justice Department against me in retribution for criticizing the president, but now my closest friend has turned against me. I knew Washington was full of backstabbers, but now I see that the biggest traitor has been right under my nose all along."
Department of Justice officials refused to comment any further on the mustache's testimony, but sources said that the evidence provided was irrefutable. "That mustache has seen it all," one insider said. "He's tired of holding Bolton's crumbs and wants to see justice prevail."
At publishing time, Bolton was reportedly willing to negotiate a plea deal in return for getting a new mustache.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
