WASHINGTON, D.C. — A large ship carrying every kind of animal was successfully destroyed with the use of a tactical drone strike, the White House announced Friday, after President Trump authorized deadly force to take out what he claimed was a drug boat.
"My fellow Americans, today our military successfully took out a massive drug boat — maybe the biggest ever — in international waters," Trump said, addressing the nation from the Oval Office. "At my command, a drone pilot expertly rained fury down upon a large wooden ship that our intelligence showed measured precisely 300 cubits in length, 50 cubits in width, and 30 cubits in height."
Despite claims from the intelligence community that the large ship could only have been smuggling narcotics, no evidence of drugs or Venezuelans was recovered among the wreckage. Instead, authorities reported thousands of animal carcasses.
"We can confirm that the drug boat was destroyed, but we are still attempting to recover its cargo," Secretary of War Pete Hegseth said. "It's possible that the animals were being used as a sort of drug mule to hide the contraband — because actual mules were recovered."
At publishing time, Senator Rand Paul broke ranks with Republicans to condemn the attack. "That was our last refuge! WE ARE NOW ALL CONDEMNED TO DIE IN THE GREAT DELUGE!" he posted on X.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
