HOUSTON, TX—In an attempt to reach a younger audience of millennials, prosperity preacher Joel Osteen has released a brand-new book entitled You Can Even!
“Don’t discourage yourself by speaking negative thoughts into existence like ‘I can’t even!’ or ‘I don’t know how to adult today!'” he said in a promotional video for the new book. “Instead, remind yourself that you can even! Nothing can separate you from your destiny—not spotty WiFi signals, not Starbucks making your drink wrong, not even your parents getting on your case about not having moved out of their basement yet.”
“Just repeat this mantra every day: I CAN EVEN!”
The book’s twelve chapters show 20-30 somethings how to put Osteen’s word-faith theology into action in everyday crises, like when you have to actually exercise some personal responsibility and “adult” in various situations. The book covers topics such as friends calling you to do something when you just want to sit at home in your sweats, Netflix streaming slowly despite a strong broadband connection, and contemplating the meaning of your existence as the national debt continues to bloat from policies enacted by previous generations while you take all the blame.
“No matter if it’s not being able to find your selfie stick or not being able to get a job after you spent $150,000 on college because you were told a college education was a guaranteed career-starter, let me show you how to remind yourself how much you can even.”
Despite repackaging his material to reach a new market, Osteen promises he won’t be compromising his beliefs in the slightest: the book’s 268 pages contain zero mentions of Jesus.