WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Biden has invited national hero "Brandon" to the White House to congratulate him on his smashing success at football games, NASCAR races, and even gatherings of New York City educators.
"Wow, this Brandon must be quite a fella!" said President Biden after listening to another raucous chant. "For him to get crowds from all across this divided country to all be united together with such passion? I just can't believe that many people could all feel so strongly about one single man! We need a lot more Brandons in our country, I'll tell you that right now! Let's go, Brandon!"
President Biden reportedly was so impressed with the national unity he was witnessing, he asked aides to record every single instance of crowds cheering "Let's go Brandon!" so he could listen to them all in a row. The President has apparently taken to showing the clips to lawmakers to start off meetings, in hopes of helping each side find a slice of common ground they can really agree on.
"How 'bout that? That's the kind of unity we need in these halls right here!" said Biden as he showed the highlight reel to a group of Senators. "Now I know we got our differences, but for just a few minutes, let's all step back and realize we are on the same team. And that team is team America, and team America is cheering for Brandon. Are you with these great crowds of people or not?"
Senator Ted Cruz stepped straight forward, solemnly promising the President he would never, ever stop cheering for Brandon. Senator Klobuchar wept in the corner, wondering how she got smoked in a primary by this guy.
President Biden has decided to invite Brandon to the White House for a special ceremony to honor the incredible work he has been doing all over the country. When told that they couldn't really bring this 'Brandon' to the White House in person, Biden ordered the FBI to cease all work on child trafficking and immediately get to work locating Brandon.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
