JERUSALEM — The Lord Jesus spoke a powerful new parable warning the people not to be like the foolish servant who went and put his master's money in cryptocurrency.
According to witnesses in the crowd, Jesus began the parable by telling of a rich man who entrusted his wealth, in the form of talents, to three servants before traveling abroad. While the first two invested their master's money wisely, the third servant converted his talent into a crypto meme coin.
Upon the master's return, he asked each of the servants in turn to give an account as to what they did with his money. To each of the first two, the master commended their shrewd investments, then places them in charge of greater estates. Then, the time came for the third servant to give his account.
"Oh master, I know that you a harsh man who likes mutual funds with low fees," explained the servant. "But, this crypto coin sounded so cool. It was named after a rare monkey, and this guy on Reddit said it was 'going to the moon.' So, I put your talent into crypto, and it was promptly stolen by some guy in a basement in Russia."
The master replied, "You wicked and slothful servant. You knew that I reap where I have not sown, yet you risked my money on a fly-by-night crypto coin with no collateral. Cast him into the darkness."
At publishing time, the Lord had described how the foolish servant had come back to the master begging for one more talent to buy the dip.
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