JERUSALEM — Jesus of Nazareth has come under fire once again, sparking accusations of ableism after miraculously helping a paralyzed man walk.
"Calling this a 'miraculous healing' only reinforces the idea that being paralyzed is somehow bad," said the local Pharisees, while the previously incapacitated man leapt for joy. "Hey carpenter – stop forcing your idea of normal on people, ok? That man was perfectly handi-capable."
Ableist thought leaders have called for Jesus to also stop healing the blind and mute. "Every day we have a dozen blind people come to Jesus begging for healing, when what they need is affirmation in being differently-abled," said local progressive Zerech Himoleth. "If Jesus really loved them, he would tell them how great it is to be blind and give them a high-five. Stick to making tables, Jesus!"
Additional concerns arose when Jesus restored the man's soul as well as his ability to walk, becoming dangerously non-affirming to the man's sinful heart. Despite pushback, Jesus has reportedly remained unfazed in His working to heal everything in a world deeply broken by sin.
At publishing time, Jesus had, through the excruciating destruction and glorious resurrection of His own physical body, continued offering grace and healing to any soul that will accept his Lordship.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
