BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Jennifer Lopez, star of the 2002 box office thriller Enough, filed for divorce from husband Ben Affleck after just two years, earning herself another punch on her divorce punch card, reportedly leaving her just one punch away from earning a free husband.
"I'm getting so close!" witnesses heard the singer/actress say as she handed her punch card over to a courtroom clerk.
Jennifer Lopez, or J-Lo as no one likes to call her, first received her Divorce Loyalty Card from a local Subway in 1996, shortly before marrying her first husband Ojani Noa. The punch card can be redeemed for either a free husband or a foot-long Cold Cut Combo at participating Subway locations.
A spokesperson for Lopez has denied allegations that the actress is intentionally running through marriages just so she can get a free husband. "This is not accurate. Though Ms. Lopez is excited about the prospect of a free husband, she knows that that marriage could also lead to divorce; a divorce that would not earn her a punch on her punch card, which I think we can all agree would be tragic."
At publishing time, Ben Affleck wistfully looked at his own punch card, ashamed to have only accumulated two punches on it.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
