WASHINGTON, D.C. — After three years and countless hours of investigation, the mystery of the pipe bombs found on January 6th has been solved after a sticker was found on the pipe saying "Please Return To FBI".
New suspicions emerged about the bombs' origin after video surfaced of police waiting for approximately sixty seconds to respond to reports of a suspicious pipe by a bench. "As soon as I saw police not immediately sprinting towards a strange pipe, I was suspicious," said journalist Benjamin Royce. "Usually, police run as fast as possible towards pipes and bombs. Their delay could only be explained by the police already knowing the pipe was a bomb, that the bomb was a dud, and that it was planted by the FBI as a false flag operation. At last, the discovery of the 'Return To FBI' sticker has proved all of our suspicions true."
Embarrassed FBI officials admitted that after three years of deception, their ruse had been discovered. "How did we miss that sticker?" cried FBI agent John Rogers, slapping himself on the forehead. "We spent so much time doing nine hundred interviews to make it look like we were investigating the pipe bombs, only to forget that darn sticker. What chumps we are!"
At publishing time, the FBI had sent its shamefully inept false-flag team to false-flag planting remedial school.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
