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Italy Totally Fine Thanks To Universal Healthcare

ITALY—A new report has found that Italy is doing completely fine with no problems whatsoever thanks to its lauded universal healthcare system.

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to sweep the world, countries are going on lockdown, but not Italy. Its universal healthcare program means that everybody is doing great, "incredible even."

"It seems that having universal healthcare stops all health problems and magically makes enough medicine and care available for all," said one analyst. "It's remarkable -- in countries where there is no universal healthcare, everybody is dying. In countries where there is universal healthcare, the virus just stops right at the border. It's not allowed in. That's just science."

While backward countries with free market health systems are expected to be wiped out with a near 100% death rate, countries like Italy with universal healthcare continue to live life as though nothing is wrong. People are dancing in the streets and living out their utopian lives, unaware that the rest of the world is even facing a crisis.

"Coronavirus? Never heard of it," said one Italian man as he made a pizza "just because." "Nope, we've got universal healthcare here. We have left behind your primitive ideas like disease, viruses, and even death itself."

Canada is also doing perfect and absolutely will not lock its borders down to stop the crisis since "borders are evil," according to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

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