MILWAUKEE, WI — Insiders at that Republican National Convention just revealed that Trump's address to the convention tonight will be frequently interspersed with numerous, unpredictable, and randomly spaced rapid head turns.
Reportedly, the technique is meant to help increase Trump's rhetorical appeal and effectiveness, in addition to helping his head avoid any stray bullets which may happen to find themselves in the vicinity of the convention center stage.
"It's like Public Speaking 101," said a Trump campaign staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "You use open body language, speak loudly and clearly, and randomly turn your head this way and that very swiftly in order to avoid assassination attempts. Simple! The Don isn't so much taking precautions as using effective oratorical techniques which also happen to render him less vulnerable to shooters on nearby sloped roofs. It's genius!"
"This is the BEST way to do Public Speaking," Donald Trump confirmed when asked for comment. "Everybody says so. It's extremely tremendous — absolutely incredible. I came up with it myself. Cicero would be bigly proud. People say he was the best orator, just fantastic, but I think he wasn't because he didn't move his head enough. My speeches are real head turners, unlike that loser Sleepy Joe. So bad! Very sad!"
At publishing time, insiders had also reported that Trump's speech may include random dodges, ducking behind the podium, or side-stepping dance moves, just to keep things exciting up on stage.
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