UNITED STATES - After nearly two years of life-altering restrictions due to the COVID-19 pandemic, leaders across the nation are granting citizens a slow return to normalcy after hearing the wonderful news that the indisputable, irrefutable, unquestionable, unchanging SCIENCE is changing again.
"While this isn't the first time incontrovertible SCIENCE has turned out to be controvertible, we don't want anyone to assume that undebatable SCIENCE should ever be seen as debatable because it is not," said CNN's medical expert Dr. Leana Wen while sticking a butter knife in a toaster. "Yes, the unmistakable SCIENCE on masks, vaccine effectiveness, treatments, lockdowns, and comorbidities was actually mistaken, but don't forget that this pandemic has been prolonged only because people doubted the SCIENCE."
The abrupt change in unchanging SCIENCE has occurred at a serendipitous time for democrat politicians heading into midterms, as recent polls have shown an overwhelming desire to no longer be ruled by strict, ever-changing SCIENCE-based policies.
This new variant of unvarying SCIENCE may be seen as vindication for the thousands of medical experts who were summarily shamed, berated, mistreated, discredited, demoted, or even fired for ever doubting the indubitable SCIENCE or ever suggesting the SCIENCE may change, which it has done and continues to do.
"I suppose I feel vindicated. I hope our nation finally remembers that SCIENCE has always been an ever-changing, imperfect process of seeking answers about our physical world," said one former doctor from his cardboard home deep in a hobo camp.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
