WASHINGTON, DC — Following former President Donald Trump's conviction on 34 felony counts, House Republicans are threatening to deploy the most powerful tool in their arsenal: The Strongliest Worded Letter of All Time.
According to political analysts, the ultimatum is a serious escalation of an already shaky political situation and comes after several Strongly Worded Letters and even a few Stronglier Worded Letters.
"That's it - we're not gonna take it anymore!" cried Steve Scalise, Republican and House Majority Leader. "We let you Democrats get away with the covid lockdowns, pride month, and hundreds of thousands of baby-murdering abortions a year, but this is ACTUALLY the last straw! You think you can get away with witch hunts and sham trials against Trump scot-free? Someone's gotta stop you, and it might as well be us Republicans!"
Sources close to the GOP say that Republicans all got together with a thesaurus full of mean words and spent two whole afternoons thinking up zingers to put into the letter. An eyewitness named AOC alleged that Democrat congresswoman AOC died from merely overhearing some of the strong words that the Republicans were putting into their letter.
At publishing time, all congressional Democrats had promised to be nice and play fair after Scalise started inching his pen closer to the letter and saying, "Don't make me sign it - don't make me sign it!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
