WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled once and for all that the Eagles could not have carried the Fellowship to Mount Doom, thereby removing the need for the deadly trek across Middle Earth to destroy the One Ring.
The highest court in the land overturned an earlier 4-3 decision by the Colorado Supreme Court which invoked The Silmarillion to justify using the Eagles to carry the ring to Mordor. "The Lord of the Eagles, Thorondor, had a wingspan of 30 fathoms," noted the lower court. "If we use him as the basis for the size of the Eagles, we can safely say nothing in Middle Earth could withstand their might, and they should have taken it upon themselves to aid the Fellowship."
The distinguished justices of the U.S. Supreme Court disagreed. In a leading opinion, Justice John Roberts argued that the might of the Eagles did not guarantee success.
"The Eagles are proud and capable of being influenced by Isildur's Bane," Roberts argued. "It would have been too dangerous for them to take Frodo to Mount Doom. They would be a target for arrows from the enemy, and Frodo would be in danger from the whims of the Eagle upon which he rode."
"Duh."
In a joint opinion, the three liberal justices — Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson — complained that the court didn't go far enough, as they never ruled whether anyone other than the Eagles could have taken the Fellowship to Mount Doom. They did, however, side with their conservative counterparts that the Eagles certainly could not.
According to Sotomayor, Tom Bombadil should have taken the Ruling Ring.
In the court's briefest opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas claimed only, "One does not simply fly into Mordor."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
