Politics
'I’m Perfectly Healthy,' Says Joe Biden Through A Medium At A Séance

WASHINGTON D.C.—“I’m perfectly healthy and ready to take on even more challenges,” President Biden told reporters. He used a new communication method this time, though, speaking through a medium named Madame Ezmeralda using a technique called a “séance.”

“This is just an extra precaution with the pandemic and whatnot,” said Biden, who was even more coherent than usual with Madame Ezmeralda relaying his words -- again showing how healthy Biden is. “But I am as healthy as can be. In fact, I feel timeless.”

The White House had the séance conducted as there has been even more chatter lately about how Biden was too old for the job, with his slow movements, often incoherent speech, and the way he’d just sometimes collapse to the ground and stop moving and then not be seen by the press for days. Reporters had hoped for a face-to-face with Biden but were told this was the best avenue of communication currently available.

“I feel so healthy I just want to jump around,” Biden said through Madame Ezmeralda. “I can’t jump, though, because I seem to be floating somewhere.” Biden then went on to talk policy -- specifically infrastructure spending -- but kept being interrupted by wailing, tormented souls at whom he’d shout, “Quit that malarkey!”

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