WASHINGTON, D.C.— An enraged Joe Biden attacked the media this morning for targeting his son over the use of N-word, stating that such language only confirmed that Hunter is, in fact, his son.
"Why in tarnation are these bright, articulate, clean-looking black people all upset? You know how I talk about black people, heck you've heard me saying this stuff for forty years! He's my son for crying out loud - if you don't do things like confuse being black with being poor, well then you ain't my son, bucko!"
For his part, Hunter explained that he was extremely, extremely high when he typed those text messages and in fact has no recollection of ever doing so, or of the past 30 years. He did say, however, that he was pretty sure he had gotten a "Presidential N-Word Pass" from his dad's black friend, so he was pretty sure it was cool.
Brian Stelter jumped to Hunter's defense by spending his entire news segment repeatedly saying the N-word, arguing that it really is a form of anti-racism, much like segregation. Twitter and Facebook will now allow the term as well, reportedly to help "decolonize the term's racist roots."
"We're all Democrats here, which I think makes us part black anyways, so let's just put this behind us. I just don't get what the big deal is about saying n-", said Biden, just before he was tackled by a group of aides and ushered to safety.