SOUTH BEND, IN — According to sources, a local man lamented his lack of wealth today, despite the fact that he is happily married and has several beautiful children, a home to live in, and a 2023 Husqvarna self-propelled all-wheel-drive lawn mower.

Greg Brown lamented his financial standing, wishing his life which has already been filled with love, laughter, provision for his basic needs, and creature comforts many people covet could be supplemented by vast amounts of money.

"I wish I were rich," Brown said as he sat in his car and thought about what was missing in his life. "I mean, I've got a wife and kids, a decent home, and a totally sick self-propelled mower with a 166cc motor and a 24-inch cutting width that help me cut perfectly straight lines in my beautiful green lawn, but man… it sure would be nice to have unlimited money. Like Jeff Bezos. He seems happy!"

Brown cited the fact that sometimes life is occasionally difficult, and unexpected bills come in that are hard to pay. "I don't ask for much," he said. "I just want the kind of untold wealth that most men sell their souls for. Is that too much to ask?"

At publishing time, Brown had arrived home where his complaining was drowned out by the sound of his children's laughter as they played in the backyard.

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