WASHINGTON, D.C.-When asked by the press who drew in crayon all over the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House this week, President Biden answered with an emphatic, "I didn't do that" before quickly shoving a handful of red and blue crayons in his mouth.
"That's flagrant misinformation," remarked the President through a full mouth of colored wax. "Mrwighphrggedgh. I didn't do that."
Whitehouse Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was quick to condemn the accusations, reminding members of the press that there is no way to know who drew on the walls and decried them for accusing the President of Crayola vandalism when there are much more important issues to focus on.
"As you can see, with any of it, misinformation, this day of drawing on the walls has always happened every year, no, no let me clarify, every year we draw on the walls and the President supports the crayon-wall-drawing community, but he himself did not draw-let me clarify-on the wall in that particular bedroom. In fact, I'm pretty sure Peter Doocy did it," Jean-Pierre explained to the press.
Doocy was quickly arrested by the FBI.
As of publishing time, the press was also trying to determine who left that mysterious brown mess on the rug of the Oval Office, legos out all over the Capitol Rotunda, and smeared peanut butter all over the interior of Air Force One.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
