GREELEY, CO — Multiple sources have confirmed that local man Dan Zilph's Instagram account exists solely to wish his wife "happy birthday" every year. Evidence that Zilph uses his Instagram for a singular purpose becomes clear when looking at his once-annual posts occurring the day after his wife's birthday.
"Honestly, when I signed up, I figured I'd be posting pictures regularly of the kids and the dog," said Zilph while frantically searching for a birthday present up and down the aisles of Home Depot. "But after realizing Instagram is just a Skinner Box filled with heaps of garbage, I only pull it out on the old lady's birthday, cuz I love her."
After hearing of Dan Zilph's scant use of Instagram, millions of other husbands came forward admitting they only used the social media app to post about their wives on their birthdays. A single swipe through these accounts was all it took to see a decade of birthday wishes.
At publishing time, those close to Zilph revealed his secret, second Instagram account where he posts nothing but pictures of fish he caught.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
