GEORGETOWN, DE — According to sources, local husband and father Randy Austin issued a house-wide travel ban on any vehicles coming from Amazon in a sweeping executive directive his wife found off-putting.
"I will permanently pause deliveries from Amazon to allow our bank account to recover," Austin reportedly said as he addressed the household. "We cannot have open shipments from Amazon where I cannot safely and reliably vet and screen the incoming merchandise. That is why I am invoking my role as head of the household and signing a new order placing delivery restrictions on Amazon, Walmart, Target, and numerous others."
Austin was publicly praised for the bold maneuver by his best friend, Derrick, who serves as his unofficial chief of staff. "I feel for the guy," said Derrick. "He's living paycheck to paycheck, but boxes keep coming in. The only thing that could stop it was an order from the top. The buck stops with Randy. This is what leadership looks like."
Austin's wife, Angelica, called her husband's actions an authoritarian misstep that threatened the integrity of the household. "He can't do this to me — I mean us," she said in a passionate rebuttal speech to her children. "This doesn't just affect me, but you as well. Where do you think your Christmas gifts come from? Santa isn't real, Jimmy. He isn't real! Santa is Amazon!"
At publishing time, Angelica Austin placed an indefinite hold on household cooking, a move neighbors had called "the nuclear option."
Heartwarming!
