WILMINGTON, DE — A brief commotion arose outside the Delaware District Court today, as Hunter Biden was seen trying to weigh large quantities of crack cocaine on the scales held by a statue of Lady Justice.
A crowd began to form around the courthouse statue as more and more bystanders stopped to watch Hunter toss plastic bags full of a white substance onto the scales. "Do these scales actually move?" they heard Hunter asking his Secret Service detail. Several witnesses began to ask questions before being shooed away by Secret Service agents who assured them "It's baking soda. Mr. Biden needs to weigh some bags of baking soda. There's nothing to see here. Move along, please."
Unable to get an accurate measurement on the statue's scales, a frustrated Hunter packed his 12 kilos of the white substance back into the trunk of his car before ordering his driver to depart the scene.
When pressed for comment, Karine Jean-Pierre, the gay, black female who serves historically as the White House Press Secretary seemed evasive. "What the President's son does in his free time is his business," she said. "Sometimes people have large amounts of white substances they need to weigh. This is very common. Next question!"
At publishing time, Hunter was rumored to have asked his father to have the Lady Justice statue removed from the courthouse and relocated to the Biden estate.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.