U.S. — Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."

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