BURLINGTON, VT—According to sources, local homeowner Candy McSally is desperately trying to make a batch of figgy pudding so a gang of obnoxious carolers will leave her alone.
Neighbors say that as of 1 am, the carolers are on their 427th round of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" and have promised to stay in place until they get some figgy pudding.
"What the heck is figgy pudding anyway?" said McSally as she frantically searched through a stack of cookbooks hoping to find a recipe. "Why won't they leave until they get some? Who wrote that infernal song? Why are carolers even a thing? Somebody help me!"
Historians say that figgy pudding is a 14th-century British dish, which would explain why it's gross and lame and nobody likes it. After searching on Google, McSally finally found a recipe.
"Mutton? Where in the world am I going to find mutton? Why is it mixed with raisins? What kind of psycho would eat this crap?" she cried.
After realizing she didn't have any of the ingredients, she decided to go shopping in town. Sources say the carolers are now on their 2,700th round of the Christmas carol and two have been rushed to the hospital due to hypothermia, or perhaps due to lack of figgy pudding.