WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources at a DC-area Costco, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was asked to leave Costco again after repeatedly accusing a lady handing out food samples of being a Russian asset.
It wasn't clear how Clinton had ended up in the Costco, as she usually has her servants' servants go to the market for her. Some suggested she wanted to disguise herself and go be among her subjects to see how the other 99% lives.
Whatever the case, the sample lady had apparently offered the failed presidential candidate a small paper cup of orange juice and told her the packs were on sale for $9.49 when the incident occurred.
"Orange... orange like Trump!" Clinton screamed suddenly, frightening the poor food demonstration worker. "You're in league with him, aren't you!?" The failed presidential candidate lunged across the cart and attempted to pull off her face mask, certain the lady was actually Vladimir Putin in a skin suit.
When that failed and the woman shooed her off with a plastic glove, Clinton turned for help and began screaming, "Security! Margaret in the frozen foods aisle is a Russian asset! Help, help, our elections are being meddled with!"
Guards arrived but relaxed when they saw it was just Hillary Clinton. "OK, lady, let's go," they said, grabbing her by each arm.
"Thank goodness you're here!" Clinton cried. "Arrest that woman! Can't someone help me out!?"
"Oh yeah, sure, lady, we'll help you out," the guards said, snickering as they dragged her toward the front door.
According to sources at the Costco, this is the third time this has happened this week.