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Have you ever wondered if there are any alternatives to watching pornography that are far less destructive?
The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of 12 things that, while not advisable or wise in any way, are still less destructive than porn:
- Having a Xenomorph egg implanted in your chest: It'll incubate for a while before exploding out of your body while you're still living, which is still not as bad as what porn will do to you.
- Sticking your face in a blender and turning it on: You might no longer have a face, but at least you'll still have your integrity.
- Staring at the sun for 12 hours straight without blinking: If Trump can do it, so can you!
- Having your currency controlled by The Federal Reserve: Better to devalue your money than your relationship with your wife.
- Gouging out your own eyes with a melon baller: As long as you can keep your hand steady it's not that bad.
- Strolling through the lion exhibit at the zoo while wearing a tuxedo made out of raw steak: If you run fast enough you'll be just fine.
- Sticking your head into the Wuhan virology lab and taking a big, deep breath: The air may not be pure, but at least your heart still is.
- Global Thermonuclear War: Not the computer game from the movie Wargames. The actual one.
- Publicly declaring you have incriminating evidence on Hillary Clinton: This all but ensures certain death, but at least it's not porn.
- Converting to a Twinkies-only diet: Yes, it's delicious…for a season. Eventually, the processed sugars and seed oils will have you reaping destruction. There might be an allegory in there somewhere.
- Having Charlie Sheen babysit your kids: Not ideal, but better than what your porn consumption will do to your kids.
- Bidenomics: Ruin the lives of everyone in the country and plunge the entire globe into a civilization-threatening recession? Still not as dangerous as porn.
There you have it. Feel free to participate in any of the activities described above with the full assurance that it's still not as destructive as pornography.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.