NEW YORK CITY, NY — New York mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani was seriously injured Saturday after getting pinned under a pair of 5 lb. yoga bells at an election event.
"These massive dumbbells represent oppression," Mamdani said to cries of excitement as he prepared to lift a pair of small yoga weights. "Watch as I lift it off the people — help! Help! Somebody help me! I need a spotter! HEEELLP!"
Witnesses reportedly heard a loud cracking sound as Mamdani's arms snapped like twigs and the lightweight yoga bells fell onto his chest, pinning him to the ground.
"Wow! That man is a machine!" supporters said as they watched Mamdani struggle under the yoga weights like a pill bug on its back. "He's trying so hard! Inspiring!"
According to campaign officials, Mamdani had been attempting to demonstrate how his socialist policies could lift the city of New York up to greater heights. Unfortunately, much like socialism, his good intentions led to disaster as a broken rib punctured his lungs, and he slowly began to suffocate.
"Help... Help me...." Mamdani gasped one final time before passing out and being rushed to the hospital.
Mamdani's approval skyrocketed among New York Democrats following the incident because, according to pollsters, socialist voters find him as helpless as they are. "He's so weak and feminine," said Manhattan socialist Christine Gonzalez. "I feel like he really gets me."
At publishing time, Zohran Mamdani announced a new campaign event in which he would lift 2-pound weights, noting that "true weight lifting has never been tried."
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