Scripture
Death Metal Band With Writer's Block Turns To Old Testament For Inspiration

PORTLAND, OR—Local death metal band Thrashin Demon was running out of steam while writing a new 14-minute epic, "Into the Valley of the Blood of Eagles We Slay Tonight." Finally, with no ideas left, they turned to their last resort: the Bible, specifically the Old Testament, for inspiration.

"Yo yo yo, check this out -- these Old Testament lyrics are totally metal, bro!" said bassist Brad Morocco. "I bet there's something here. Check out this passage in Deuteronomy: 'I will make my arrows drunk with blood, while my sword devours flesh:
the blood of the slain and the captives, the heads of the enemy leaders.' That would fit perfectly in our thirteenth verse!"

"'Their graves are in the depths of the pit and her army lies around her grave. All who had spread terror in the land of the living are slain, fallen by the sword -- perfect!'" said lead singer Axe McCarthy as he flipped to Ezekiel 32. "FALLEN BY THE SWOOOOOORD!" he screamed in a piercing falsetto. "Love it!"

The band stood mesmerized by page after page of lyrics that put even the best heavy metal writers to shame with just how hardcore they are, from descriptions of the bloody deaths of the enemies of God to "wicked sweet" apocalyptic visions of destruction.

"Honestly, we've got nothing on the Old Testament when it comes to brutal heavy metal lyrics," said McCarthy. "I wish I was half as metal as the prophet Isaiah."

When they'd exhausted all the great heavy metal lyrics in the Old Testament, they turned to their secret weapon: the Book of Revelation, which had been incredibly helpful in the writing of their last album Whore of Babylon.

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