U.S. — In the wake of thousands falling ill due to parasitic infection from fresh produce, health experts are cautioning that before consuming lettuce, citizens should first try being a man and eating real food.
According to officials, actual men who eat honest-to-goodness food like turkey legs and bacon are completely safe from the parasite, which only targets weak, feminine people who eat fruit.
"To protect yourself from the outbreak of explosive diarrhea, before consuming lettuce or other fresh produce, first try acting like a man," said Dr. Dale Jones. "If you have any manhood left, ask yourself why you are considering gnawing on a leaf like a little fairy. Buck up, for once in your life, and eat a New York strip or rack of ribs. You'll be safe from parasites and also the estrogen that is threatening, apparently, to take over your feeble body."
While vegetarians and other ninnies have disputed the health directive, officials say the science is clear. "We must all do our part to stop the spread. Or, with explosive diarrhea, to stop the spray," said county health leader Dr. Heath Brock. "You can keep your loved ones safe by taking any vegetables you see and depositing them immediately into a trash can. This is up to all of us."
At publishing time, health officials had recommended that as an additional precaution, people should dump all LaCroix sparkling water directly into a sewer drain.
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