WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stirring farewell address to the nation, the notorious head of a prolific crime family warned America about the clear and present danger of government corruption.
"Folks, we can't have any of this corruption in government," said the man who had enriched himself off corruption during his half a century in office. "It's dangerous, I mean it. If Trump takes office and lets Elon glurbdren thu flazzgrizzerbs, obwaltshuuun dorble Vivek clamshirr."
The wealthy oligarch then warned the nation what might happen if America is run by oligarchs. "I shudder to think of what could happen to our democracy," he said. "I'm out of teddy grahams. Someone get me more teddy grahams and apple juice. Jill! JILL!"
According to sources close to the owner of 20 Ukrainian money-laundering shell corporations, Biden plans to live his final few weeks of life quietly on the beach, funded by the hundreds of millions of dollars amassed by his family.
"We should all listen to this dire warning from one of America's most noble and dignified presidents," said commentator Joy Reid. "No one would know better than him."
At publishing time, Hunter Biden was reportedly having trouble getting a Chinese oligarch to return his phone calls.
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