WASHINGTON, D.C. — After news broke that President-elect Donald Trump had successfully brokered a ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas, outgoing President Joe Biden spoke with the media to take credit for developing dementia so Kamala Harris would take his place on the ticket and lose in a landslide to Trump so Hamas would release its hostages.
Hamas agreed to begin releasing hostages over the coming weeks, an achievement Biden said would never have been possible if he hadn't lost all cognitive function and been forced out of the race to make room for Harris, who was soundly defeated by Trump, who actually brought the peace deal to fruition.
"Listen, folks, I was the one who got this deal started," Biden told reporters. "If I hadn't… if I… if I never… with the… I got the dementia. And because of that, they told me I couldn't run anymore, which paved the way for the colored gal over there, and made it possible for her to get absolutely destroyed by Trump, who got these hostages released. This can all be attributed to all the hard work I put in to… to… to do the thing. I talked with Jimmy Carter last week, and he knows."
White House sources confirmed that if it hadn't been for Biden's stark mental decline, Harris never would have replaced him and lost to Trump, meaning Hamas would never have agreed to release hostages out of fear of Trump. "These hostages owe Joe their lives," one insider said. "This country, and indeed the entire world, is becoming a better place because Joe became a vegetable. You're welcome."
At publishing time, Biden had also taken credit for the robust economy, reduced inflation, and lower crime rate that were poised to ensue during the Trump administration.
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