AFGHANISTAN—U.S. troops are celebrating Biden's announcement that forces will withdraw from Afghanistan this year, having achieved total peace all across the Middle East.
"Yes, the Middle East is now a peaceful utopia thanks to us," said Army General Austin Miller. "We came here looking for oil but didn't find any, so we decided to bring democracy instead. I'm happy to say that after 20 years we have achieved total victory."
Other reasons given for the withdrawal include the fact that there's nothing left to blow up, and the fact that all the troops have grown pretty bored after being there for 2 decades.
"Also, we just remembered that we killed Bin Laden like 10 years ago, so I guess we don't really need to be here anymore," said General Miller.
Biden has clarified that he will only be bringing the troops home for vaccinations and anti-racism training before re-deploying them to guard the Capitol.