'Harrison Butker Does Not Reflect Our Values,' Says League Of Woman Beaters
Sports · May 16, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

NEW YORK, NY — In response to an angry outcry from feminists regarding statements he made in a commencement speech, the NFL issued a statement that Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker does not represent the values of the rest of the league of woman beaters.

The Chiefs kicker, a devout Catholic, expressed several controversial opinions during his speech, including strong support for traditional family values, none of which fall in line with the NFL's standard behavioral code upheld by teams filled with woman beaters, child abusers, drunk drivers, and drug traffickers.

"Harrison Butker does not reflect our values," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement defending the league of depraved convicted criminals who make millions playing a game while abusing women in their free time. "We sincerely apologize for Butker's inexcusable support for family values. We want to reiterate our commitment to continue filling the roster of all our franchises with violent criminals who would probably be in prison if they weren't working for us."

Players from across the league came forward to distance themselves from Butker's dangerous statements. "I don't want to associate with that type of religious extremism," said Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill, who has a record including allegations of domestic violence and child abuse. "Those types of views have no place in our league."

At publishing time, an NFL spokesman said the league was still deliberating what form of punishment Butker may receive for urging college students to be good fathers and mothers and to have families rather than murder their unborn children.

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