ANAHEIM, CA—The "Happiest Place on Earth," Disneyland, is banning all expressions of joy and happiness at its park when it reopens in April, sources at Disney confirmed Friday.
Along with no screaming on roller coasters, guests will not be allowed to smile, laugh, talk, or emote at all, other than having the approved expression of melancholy and hopelessness that Governor Newsom has mandated.
"You may come into our park, but you may not express any kind of joy or happiness at any time, or you will be asked to leave," said a park manager. "We are so excited to welcome you back here at the new socially distanced, no-fun-allowed, no-screaming and no-laughing-at-any-time Disneyland. It truly is the happiest place on earth!"
"Have a magical day here at Disneyland! But not too magical. Only ordinary, non-happy levels of magical."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that characters like Mickey, Donald, and Goofy would be repurposed to patrol the park lecturing kids who are getting too happy and threatening to throw them out of the park.