NEW YORK, NY — A local man being robbed at gunpoint on the subway expressed relief that prosecutors are hard at work attempting to bring President Donald Trump to justice on charges of falsifying business records.

"It definitely gives me peace of mind to know that they're focusing on Trump," said Jim Hargrave after handing over his wallet, car keys, and watch to a masked mugger who pointed a gun in his face. "With them going so hard after Donald Trump on what seem to be really insignificant charges, it really keeps the citizens of this city safe. You know, from the threat of falsified business records."

Though it was difficult to hear Mr. Hargrave's comments over the sound of two other violent assaults happening on the same subway car, it was obvious that his life here in the city was being made much better by Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg's obsessive pursuit of Trump. "If people like President Trump are allowed to make incorrect entries in their business records, God knows what would become of this city," Hargrave said. "It would be total anarchy — violence in the streets, murders, rapes, beatings — which is the same as it is now, but, wow, it would be so much worse if Trump wasn't being held accountable!"

When reached for comment, D.A. Bragg defended his focus on Trump. "How am I supposed to go after killers and other violent criminals when business records aren't being kept accurately?" he asked. "We have to prioritize the really serious crimes first."

At publishing time, Mr. Hargrave was unavailable for further comment due to being chased home by a screaming man waving a samurai sword.

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