U.S. — A Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter touched down just outside the residence of Bill and Hillary Clinton on Wednesday, carrying the first lady's former CIA handler. According to an anonymous source, he approached Hillary to recruit her for one last Russian collusion hoax.
"We've tried everything, Clinton, but Kamala's just too terrible," a man identified as Colonel Wes Danger explained. "You're our last hope."
Clinton reportedly shrugged and reminded the colonel that she was retired. "I am at peace here with Bill," she said as she cut wood outside her cabin. "I quit that life."
This only provoked mirthless laughter from the handler. "You never quit that life, Clinton. It quits you — and we're not done with you yet."
The source indicates Hillary Clinton was recruited for one last job: a Russian collusion hoax to end all Russian collusion hoaxes. The pair argued briefly, with Clinton noting that the last hoax didn't even work and Trump became president.
"I lost!" the source claims Clinton said. "What makes you think I can do it?"
Colonel Wes Danger explained that she was the only one that had come close. When Clinton reminded him that Joe Biden had won and was the current sitting president, Colonel Danger was forced to admit that Biden had been dead for over three years.
At publishing time, Attorney General Merrick Garland delivered remarks based on a plan provided by Hillary Clinton to file charges against Russian nationals, sanction ten individuals and entities, and seize up to 32 internet domains.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
