ATHENS — Activist Greta Thunberg told reporters today that Israel put a noose on her, dumped bleach on her hair, and shouted, "This is bagel country!"
Thunberg stated the assailants wore masks to hide their identity, but had on giant shtreimels and kept shouting "Oy vey" to intimidate her.
"I literally thought I was going to die," said Thunberg. "They threw bagels at me and shouted 'Take that, gentile!'. The bagels even had shmear. And then they smacked me in the face with a pastrami sandwich and said 'This is kosher country!'"
Israel has denied the accusations, stating that no bagels were thrown at Thunberg while she was processed for deportation. "That does sound really fun, but no, we did not pelt her with bagels," said IDF spokesman Benjamin Aaronson. "Every time we gave her food, she just shouted 'How dare you!' and went back to combing her hair. We also graciously offered her barber services free of charge, but she declined. No pastrami sandwiches were used for violence either."
At publishing time, Thunberg had also accused Israel of putting her on a chair and lifting her up and down while dancing in circles around her.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
