SOLESMES — Local monk Brother Anselm of the Abbey of Saint Pierre de Solesmes reportedly dropped what music critics were calling the most "bangin'" Gregorian chant since the 9th century.
The single, titled "Kyrie Eleison (Anselm's Version)," features a blistering, monophonic Latin melody overlaid with zero instrumentation, zero rhythm track, and a reverberation decay time of precisely six seconds inside a stone basilica.
"I was just feeling inspired after Vespers," Anselm stated, using simple sign language to maintain his vow of silence. "The spirit moved me to drop a track that would truly slap during Eucharistic Adoration."
Early listeners reported that the track achieves unprecedented levels of hype while remaining entirely unpitched to modern microtones. Audio engineers noted that the bass-baritone resonance on the third "Christe" is powerful enough to shatter stained glass and drive away territorial demons.
Billboard confirmed that the track was currently outpacing every mainstream pop release on Spotify, largely driven by teenagers who claimed that the total absence of a beat made it "unironically peak ambient trap."
At publishing time, Brother Anselm had been seen politely refusing a top slot at Coachella to keep his 4:00 AM Matins routine.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
