LANSING, MI—Governor Gretchen Whitmer has deployed a fleet of Imperial probe droids to catch people violating lockdown, sources confirmed Wednesday.
A robed, cackling Whitmer ordered her minions to send the probe droids out into Michigan to find people having fun.
The droids will make funny robotic noises as they hover slowly toward people who are playing outside, planting seeds, or traveling to a second home. Anyone detected breaking lockdown will be subdued by the droid's blaster cannon while the probe calls in a fleet of Michigan State Imperial Walkers to crush them for defying Emperor Whitmer.
Emperor Whitmer gives the order to send out the probe droids, the 66th of her term.
"I sense a great disturbance in the Force -- someone is having fun somewhere," she suddenly intoned at a strategy session. "Wipe them out! All of them!" She then invoked an executive order, number 66, calling for the droids to go neutralize anyone going outside or not living in fear.
"I'm afraid this dictatorship is quite operational."
Whitmer was warned she needed to get the approval of the Michigan State Senate before she created an army of droids, walkers, and stormtroopers, but she snapped back, "I am the Senate!"
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.