Governor Newsom Orders Californians To Launch Fireworks Indoors This Year

SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom held a stern press conference today where he lectured people on how to celebrate their freedom safely and responsibly this Independence Day. In addition to banning most gatherings where people usually celebrate the fact that they live in a free country like the United States, Newsom reminded everyone that if they choose to celebrate July 4th with fireworks, the fireworks need to be launched indoors only.

Newsom told the state it was "much safer" to explode fireworks indoors than to go outdoors and risk infection.

"I know you all want to go out and celebrate how free you are," he said, "but unfortunately, our state is not governed by the Constitution. It is governed by SCIENCE!" At this point, he stuck one finger in the air and shouted the word "SCIENCE." "And SCIENCE says it's much safer to launch off fireworks indoors to show how free you are."

He waited for applause, but reporters just looked confused. So, to punctuate his point, he shouted, "SCIENCE!" again. Then, everyone clapped.

State fire officials quickly held a press conference and cautioned against having fireworks shows indoors. They were then arrested by the science police.

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