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God Checks Twitter, Immediately Bumps Up Date For Apocalypse

HEAVEN—The Lord of all creation has reportedly bumped up the scheduled date for the consummation of all things after briefly checking Twitter Monday morning and verifying that things are much worse off than they were a year, a month, or even a week ago.

The timeframe to kick off the end times has been set in stone from eternity past, but the Almighty agreed to push it forward "just a little bit" after staring into the abyss of Twitter this morning.

"It was immediately apparent that things needed to be pushed up," said one heavenly representative. "Both sides of every single ongoing discussion on Twitter were just flaming, trolling, and talking past one another. It was a total cesspool."

"Seriously, what's wrong with you people?" he added.

At publishing time, humanity was frantically trying to hide its activities on YouTube comments and Facebook meme pages in order to prevent the apocalypse from being hastened any further.

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