Scandal. Conspiracy. The beast which comes forth from the sea to make war with the saints and to overcome them. These are just a few phrases you may have heard regarding the developing FTX scandal. But what is FTX? And what is a scandal? Here's everything you should know.
What is FTX?
FTX is a company that performs cryptocurrency exchange, just like those fake "Disney Dollars" that used to be sold in Disney parks (and could only be used to buy merchandise in said parks).
A quick Google search revealed that FTX stands for Futures Exchange, which is apt because its customers exchanged their future financial security for meaningless cryptocurrency.
FTX also stands for Fast Topical Xenon, a gas that can be applied to your skin to make you glow various neon colors, which may allude to a secret underground research facility in which FTX is used in the development of bio-weapons.
Why is this a scandal?
FTX co-founder and CEO Sam Bankman-Fried used "leet hacking skillz" to "move money around." As a result, the company ran out of money and Bankman-Fried proved he is a "fried bank man." He then quit and flew to Argentina, where Hitler still lives today.
You! You're reading this!
I heard there was some money laundering through Ukraine to the Democrat Party?
This was essential to funding Democrat reelection efforts so they could send more money to Ukraine so Ukraine could launder the money through FTX to fund Democrat reelection efforts so they could send more money to Ukraine so Ukraine could launder the money through FTX to fund Democrat reelection efforts. Quite simple, really.
What crypto should I invest in now that the market has crashed and they're cheaper than ever?
A Babylon Bee subscription. That's crypto, right? Yeah, we're pretty sure it is.
What is blockchain?
This is where the story gets more complicated. We don't know because articles about it are long and confusing.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.