NEW YORK, NY — The reign of cable news giant Fox News may have come to an end after top brass made a possibly-disastrous hiring decision, causing ratings for the nation's most popular news channel to plummet with the hiring of a non-blonde anchor with no cleavage.
"Are you from the makeup team?" a confused Bret Baier asked his new, non-blonde co-anchor during the opening segment of Special Report with Bret Baier. "If you're from snacks, I need more mustard pretzels."
After being introduced to the odd new TV anchor, Fox News' Dana Perino reacted with a low hiss and her ears flattened back in a threatening manner. Staffers quickly separated the two with snare poles.
An executive for the now-failing news channel insisted this hiring decision was no mistake, but was an effort to add more diversity to the news anchor lineup. "We are fully staffed with busty blondes and stiff white guys, so we felt it necessary to add some real diversity to our list of personalities."
After the executive saw MSNBC reaching more viewers than Fox News, he quickly replaced the bustless, non-blonde anchor with a Pamela Anderson look-alike.
At publishing time, CNN had climbed to the top of cable news ratings after forcing all male news anchors to transition to female and wear blonde wigs.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
