WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is on edge this morning after investigators revealed a fourth stash of classified documents from Biden's tenure as Vice President was found deep in his colon.
"This morning a routine colonoscopy revealed hundreds, possibly thousands of partially chewed top-secret documents crammed in the President's digestive tract," said White House physician Kevin O'Connor. "It seems many of them were eaten, while hundreds of others were inserted rectally by an unknown party or Biden himself. We have handed over all partially-digested documents to the Special Counsel in charge of the investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a shower."
Officials are at this point unclear whether the documents were ingested on purpose or swallowed inadvertently, as sources say President Biden has always had a folksy, endearing habit of putting random things in his mouth and swallowing them.
At publishing time, doctors had confirmed the colonoscopy also turned up another hard drive linked to Hunter Biden.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: