WASHINGTON D.C. — In a touching Father's Day gesture, Hunter Biden has negotiated for twelve percent of incoming bribes from foreign governments to go to his Dad.
"It means the world to me," said an emotional President Biden. "Well, more accurately, it means about $2.3 million in my bank account."
According to White House sources, Hunter wanted to do something extra special this year to show President Biden how much he appreciated being shielded from DOJ investigations. "Dad really came through this year," said Hunter. "I literally handed the FBI a film of myself committing felonies, and not a peep. I don't know how he does it, that doddering old weirdo! Anyhow, 'The Big Guy' has earned himself an extra two percent of my bribery -- er, consulting money."
Hunter Biden will also reportedly take his father out for a nice Father's Day lunch at the Han Palace. "It will be nice to have a quiet lunch with just me, Dad, and several high-level members of the Chinese Communist Party," said Hunter. "I did request they bring in some different waitresses for our lunch though. Last time it was super disappointing - nothing but yellows."
At publishing time, President Biden had declined a Father's Day call from one of his grandkids, as he wasn't sure if it was from the one he pretends doesn't exist.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
