WASHINGTON, D.C. — Appearing before the Senate beneath a mysterious, hooded robe, California Senator Dianne Feinstein addressed the hushed audience, speaking in a gravelly, Sidious-like voice.
"An attempt on my life by the Jedi has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger," said Feinstein to roaring applause. "I feel great now! The Democrat Party is a pathway to many abilities some would consider to be... unnatural."
Feinstein then proclaimed that she hopes to serve in Congress for another 100 years.
"Power! Unlimited power!" shouted the scarred senator over the applause while whirling her electric wheelchair in circles until it ran over the foot of Senator Bernie Sanders. Witnesses later saw her at a Planned Parenthood benefit looking lively as ever in a speech in which she praised the abortion provider for its skill in killing younglings.
At publishing time, a tired, frail Senator Mitch McConnell had been overheard saying, "Into exile, I must go. Failed, I have," before escaping to the swamps of Kentucky, with intentions of waiting for the Chosen One with wavy blond hair and orange skin to rise to bring balance to The Force.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
