PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a landmark ruling that was sure to have far-reaching consequences, a federal court ruled that a group of Catholic nuns would be immediately required to start worshiping Molech.
Despite public outcry advocating for religious liberty and the right to be exempt from governmental requirements to cover contraceptives, the court ordered the nuns to abandon their deeply held convictions and turn to worshiping the ancient Canaanite deity, infamously known to call for child sacrifices.
"You are hereby ordered to bow down and sacrifice babies," said Judge Robert Chandler. "Having deep religious beliefs and wanting to uphold the sanctity of human life as an act of worship to God is, in my opinion, wholly unconstitutional. I am ordering that your church be renamed and a bronze statue of Molech be erected so that you can begin offering up children to be burned in sacrifice. So say I, the federal judge who rules all."
Legal analysts later said that the ruling was well within the judge's authority to hand down. "Federal judges are the supreme authority in the United States," one sexpert said. "They overrule everyone… governors, presidents, even God. So these nuns had better do what they're told and start worshiping Molech if they know what's good for them. Start killing those babies, nuns."
Further refusal to worship Molech, Judge Chandler said, would result in additional judicially sponsored persecution.
At publishing time, the federal court had amended the order to also require the nuns to bow to a golden statue or face being thrown into a blazing furnace.
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